My Child and Yours In The Crowds we Share

I sit in the corner,

By choice for no voice,

I love the room,

The walls, the warmth,

The bodies,

The heat,

Yet I sit in the corner.

Amidst these scenes,

I speak maybe once or maybe twice,

But all in all,

I still feel lost.

A little happy,

And maybe a little of a cheat,

Playing on their emotions,

Tending to their needs,

Being a part of the soul,

They sought to hide.

Behind every smile I seek reason,

Behind every glance I find justification,

And yet,

It’s so alone.

For each of them know of me,

Yet each of them I have known,

For years,

In these two days.

They go about,

Being themselves,

Or so they say,

Live their lives the way they said,

Or ‘feel’ they said,

But beneath that façade hides a child;

Devoid of love and maybe a kiss,

The child they protect,

And I seek,

They hide from my eyes,

They see me, see them, in reality,

Naked and one,

The way they came,

Not the way they want to go.

But to me,

They do nothing,

They stare and maybe glare,

But all they get is a smile or a snare..

My child they forget,

Is a part of who I am,

It smiles and shines,

Through the blues,

It giggles at theirs,

Leaving them lost,

Even more than they were before,

They bare their hearts,

They look for love,

They cry inside,

For they see me laugh,

Not to mock,

But to remind them to smile..

So in the crowd,

I chose to sit,

In the corner,

Not by compulsion,

But by mere habit,

For I sit and stare and maybe even glare,

At the little child that,

Hides away..

Quote

What would it be like not to think or feel

I often wonder what it would be like to not think. To wake up everyday like it were a new day, a blank page and if possible the only page. that each day would be complete in itself and that each moment would be new, unhindered, unique, unquestioned. I often think to myself what it would be like to not care, to not feel, to not breathe, to not worry, to not.

Maybe it’d be like a gust of wind on a sunny day. Maybe it’ll be like another broken promise, maybe it’ll be like closing your eyes, maybe it’ be nothing at all. It’s the ‘maybe’ that I want clarified. I want to see and feel all that there is to feel. I want to experience all that makes the heart not wonder, not want, not hope, not worry.

Sometimes I think that maybe that’s too much for ask for. Sometimes I think it’s an experience I never truly want to feel, for if I love it, then whats left in life? If i feel pure emptiness, is that pure bliss too? Is feeling nothing, no worry, no love, no hate, no contempt, no emotions, no anger, better than feeling everything at once or better than feeling anything at all?

Then sometimes i think that maybe it is better than anything and everything. Maybe it’ll be amazing. Maybe it’ll be liberating. Maybe it’ll be exhilarating.

But when will I know? I often wonder, if I’ll ever know..

What would it be like not to think or feel

#Over-thinking Problems

I have always (okay, mostly) been a very cool individual. I try to be a supportive friend, loving best friend, annoying sister and awesome daughter. Many times I’m good, however, every once in a while, I slip up. I become too good a friend, or too concerned a best friend. I’ve noticed that I go out of my way to try to make life comfortable for others but in doing so I often make it a little uncomfortable for them and myself.

I have often caught myself over thinking very minute details of my relationships. If some one is sick, I’ll do what I can to make them better, but then I’ll ponder about it for hours afterwords. If someone is upset, I’ll be there for them nights at end and later wonder if it was the right thing to do. I seem to be constantly caught between wanting to help and giving people space and in that conflict I find myself constantly thinking, re thinking, judging, ruminating, and then obsessing over simple things I did or said.

Should I have not asked him how he is. Should I have let her be. Could they need that medicine. Should I stop by after food? Was it too much pressure on him? Should I have not said that?

My mind is constantly in a spin of instructions. Not once is there any calm. It’s either berating or complementing or confused or anxious. Some times it’s all over the place and many times it’s worried.

I don’t know what to do. How to fix it, how to just silence it. To just feel okay and not intrusive or demanding or pressuring or even just anything. To be able to, even if it is only for a while, not think too much. To let it go and not worry about it. To say something and let life do it’s part after that.

I guess I’m learning to. Very slowly, but at least I’m learning. Maybe someday things will change and I’ll be where I want to be. Where my mind is actually calm and relaxed. When I say what i want, but in the moderation that I am yearning for.Definitely one day.. (maybe some day)

#Over-thinking Problems

The Wanderer

Lost in the solitude of my room
I looked up at the concave blue
The darkened earth hid the contours of life
And far across the green hues,
A wanderer seemed lost amidst the moon.

Royal blue shone the night
And black, the wanderer’s demeanor right
For, in the ocean of the stars
He shone the brightest, and yet he seemed the farthest
His hollow heart, torn apart
But his life he knew was finally not far.

The lonely figure walked up to me
Lost in a gaze he could not foretell
The burning rage, was all that he felt
The saddened ways were his to dwell
Almost at once, he had a fall
But, he fell with pride
While I just watched.
He prayed to the lord with new found faith,
I was sure:
His visit now fell into place.

The ruined walls and just – me
I refuse to go, or let go.
I heard the knock
That echoed throughout
But no one heard the wood or breath
For the conscious lay still but, proud
All that was left in the crowd was me and him
I waited for answers, whilst he searched for an opportunity.

He came to me
I looked away.
The wanderer then shook with a cold wave
I saw the silver gleam in his hand
Awaited my fate, cursed my destiny

Eternity ticked the moment’s clock
Until the mirror reflected a hued cloth
My gleaming shadow, had ruined us all
And I was left to face it all

The wandered came with burdens of a past,
Left with bricks that were the other’s masts.

The Wanderer

Valentine’s day and it’s Anxiety

You know when we were kids and our biggest anxiety factor was about missing our favorite cartoon Network show? or what color we’d wear the next day?

Well I miss those days now. Especially around Valentine’s day. Irrespective of being with someone or being single Valentine’s day has quite the effect of making me uneasy and unsure. It’s l almost like I’m getting mocked by some random day of the year.

What’s funnier to me is that even though theoretically I can choose to ignore the day and it’s presence, yet I do not. Facebook, tumblr, college, classes, cafes are all gentle reminders of a day which even though is meant to celebrate love, often ends up commodifying ‘love’ and heightening partner expectations.

Not that I should care but as aforementioned, I do. I often wonder if life was easier in a time when love was shown in small everyday gestures. But who am I to judge love? Anyway, I think Valentine’s Day is quite stressful.

Valentine’s day and it’s Anxiety

In The Shadows

Today I came across a blog that had just one poem so far. The poet, Fatima informed me that the blog was brand new and that she intended to update regularly. It aims to highlight her struggle with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Here is her first written experience with and about ADHD. You can visit her blog here.

“I am living in the shadows of fear

the shadows of judgement, of identity

of hatred.

i am hiding from my shadow,

i am fighting a demon

i am living in a cage. i am living

i am surviving in a room when the world

lies just outside”

                                                                                                               – fatima

Disclaimer: Reblogged with permission from My ADHD And Beyond

In The Shadows

#Morethanbeautiful

It’s one of those days

You know,

Just another day in the month,

Year and even a lifetime

It’s one of those days when

‘Pretty hair’ nor ‘beautiful’ nor ‘gorgeous’

can make it okay,

It’s one of those days when it’s just not enough..

But wait.

It’s been those days since the first day I knew myself

It’s one of those days, I live everyday,

It’s one of those days that my face is again

Everything I am

#Morethanbeautiful

Bored

There are very few times I get bored. But when I do, I find that I can’t even write. I’ve been trying to work on my novel but I’m stuck. Nothing excites me. Not even the thought of killing my character. I have no reason to be bored, but I am. So I’ve been thinking of what to do/write I figured I’ll blog about getting bored and what I feel like when I am bored.

My mind is blank. I can’t think of anything productive. I keep thinking of writing and what to write.  I’m quite calm too. Hmm.

I went to facebook – nothing inspiring. I made a list of things to do; resume, genetics, evolution & diversity.

I will go to med school or I might go to grad school. Hmm. Maybe MD/PhD. I dunno. I feel like I should know by now. But I don’t. SO shit.

But I guess I have time. Considering I’m riding on optimism, I’ll positive I’ll be fine. Anyway I will write but as I said, I’m kind of stuck.

Anyway boredom isn’t explored enough. Many times I think sheer boredom can make life unhappy or ordinary. Boredom is so uninspiring. It’s almost revolting to be bored. but well, it is what it is.

Bored

Godrak – A Prologue

She stood in the balcony. Her cape was turning colors faster than ever before. It switched between lace and silk as it did. Her eyes darted back and forth till she stopped to stare at, and then intently look at a spot in the second sky. Her look softened, her heart dropped a beat and her fingers relaxed. A gust of wind however, pushed her fingers into a fist. Her attire, green and sapphire, slowly turned into grey and white and clung to her. Her flowing cape began twisting at her waist, only to be flown away by a flick of her finger.

Her gaze was absolute and her resolve was firm, her mind though, was disturbed, as it ought to be. Her eyes continued to twinkle, and her fingers continued to age. The ball of fire forming at her palm was slowly rising in intensity and slowly burning away her sky.

“It’s time, finally.” She didn’t raise her hand yet. Her conscience was nagging her and her memories betraying her. “Maybe.”

She now began to place her feet at a shoulders distance apart. Time had been stopped and women and children were huddled into their homes. The sun was bright and the moon was sulking. Her shoulders began to slowly get rigid. Her posture turned from arrogance to pride. Her palace was completely underground, barring the silver plank she stood on. The ring on her left hand was beginning to burn into her skin. She still hadn’t thrown it away. As the melting of her skin began to get out of control, her fingers started, as expected, freezing. The constant sting was her reminder. A reminder so powerful that it had forever stained her finger. She ignored it.

She focused instead on her body. Every speck of distraction was slowly propping up. The trees that were being constantly planted, the paths slowly turning gold and  brittle.

“Well.  Okay.”  Suddenly she fell weak and in that weakness she let go of her fireball. With it, went shards of ice into the spot of the sky she aimed at.

Horrified, she stepped back. The fire stopped short of the Aleman boundary. The ice went after and so it backfired. Her cape suddenly, swept into the air and formed a shroud all over the Aleman. Through her cape, she stared into the mocking spot while her finger continued to burn. The ice which was to protect her land had backfired. She saw him smile. Furious, her heart relaxed.

Godrak – A Prologue

Sisterhood Of The World Bloggers Award

Hey everyone!

Today is certainly staring off on the right note. Thank you Namaste for the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers award!

Sisterhood-of-the-World-Bloggers-Award

Here are the rules for this award:

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you, linking back to their site

2. Put the award logo on your blog

3. Answer the ten questions sent to you

4. Make up ten new questions for your nominees to answer

5. Nominate seven blogs

Well here are the questions for me to answer:

1. What is something that not many people know about you?

I can get very quite sometimes. I’m an ambivert.

2. Your pet peeves?

People who are mean for the sake of it.

3. What was the last book you read?

Pride and Prejudice

4.What do you absolutely love doing?

Reading, eating, making jewelry, dancing and eating food

5. What do you think is your best and worst quality?

Best: Gentle and caring

Worst: No patience

6. Favorite movie?

Hmm I don’t know..

7. A place you would never get tired of visiting?

Home, no matter where it is.

8. The song that is now playing or the one you last heard?

‘Try’

9. Do you secretly have a favorite in your family? Who?

My dog!

10. What was the thing that made you the happiest in the last few weeks?

Being a residential assistant.

Now the questions I’d like my nominees to answer!

1. When was the last time you told your loved ones that you loved them?

2. How often do you eat?

3. Do you prefer dogs or cats or sheep or deer or llama?

4. If you could live on another planet, which one would it be?

5. How often do you shower?

6. Do you believe in climate change?

7.  How often do you write something no one might ever read?

8. Are you happy with where you are in life?

9. Do you have a best friend?

10. Would you, if you could, help a random stranger on the road?

Now for the nominees! *Yaay!*

1. The Misfit Blueprint

2. Not Just Another Teen Mom

3. Coffee And Rabbits

4.Apple Kaurr

5.  Free Mind Confession

6. The Persistent Platypus

7. Barbara Pyett

Congrats and thank you for being a part if my amazing journey and enriching it like I never imagined possible.

Sisterhood Of The World Bloggers Award